All you have to do is turn your head when you’re in the check out line and you’ll see on any of several magazine covers: sex tips to stamp out bedroom boredom. You are advised to change positions or add a potion-apply here for better orgasms!
What I am going to suggest may make you squirm in your seat. Make you cringe. Make you scream, “No, not that! Anything but that!”
What is this secret? Ready? Here it is: Tell your partner that you are bored.
Yes, do it. Do it as soon as possible. Because you’re not fooling your partner, not if you’ve been together for any length of time.
Trust me, your partner already knows something’s up. They’ve noticed that you flop away after sex and stare at the ceiling for a moment before closing your eyes. That you make excuses not to have sex. They may have asked why you are distracted or distant. They may even be wondering if you are having an affair, or thinking about divorce.
I know why you won’t tell the truth, and I’ll address your excuses in a moment. But if you want to banish boredom, the way out is to increase intimacy. And being honest increases intimacy. And intimacy-not tricks-are the key to banishing bedroom boredom.
While boredom sometimes means breaking out the warming lube or getting new batteries for your favorite share toy, boredom may also mean that you’re not as emotionally close as you could be to your partner.
Think about it. Are you hiding other things from your partner? Maybe you’ve been pretending that you love the new city you’ve moved to. Or that the 10 pounds you gained when you had knee surgery is bothering you a lot more than you’d like to admit. Perhaps you’ve even had doubts about the strength of your relationship as you’ve both changed a lot recently. Or could it be that it’s been a long time since you’ve both gotten off the couch to get into the world and experience its riches?
Sometimes you have to poke below the surface of your sexual boredom to get at its cause. Does it really make sense that you should find your partner’s body, once so hot to you, to be a big yawn? That the person who consents to be naked with you and share their body is now as exciting as a beanbag chair?
As for the excuses, I promised to address them. One common excuse is that you’ll hurt your partner’s feelings. True, you may. However, when you tell your partner that you’re bored you have to tell all of it-that you’re bored, and that you love your partner, and that you don’t understand it. That you’d like their help figuring it out. Ask them if they, perhaps, are a little bored, too?
Another excuse is that you believe things never change. Rubbish. Things change all the time. All you have to do is look at your high school yearbook in which you wrote that you wanted to be an astronaut or orchid breeder to realize that things change. Have you ever considered that perhaps things don’t change because you believe they don’t change?
Trust me on this one. If you’re bored in the bedroom, admit it. Maybe you’ll end up buying a warehouse of toys to spice things up or learning to use your tongue in ways you never thought possible to change things up. But maybe you’ll learn something more, about yourself, about your partner, about the very nature of love.
It’s certainly easier than finding a new partner, which seems to be a popular option these days.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a nationally known psychologist and sex therapist, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Newport Beach, CA. The Buehler Institute offers sex therapy for men, women, and couples, as well as continuing education for therapists and healthcare professionals. Dr. Buehler’s newest book is What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know about Sex. Visit The Buehler Institute at http://www.TheBuehlerInstitute.com